Commentary by Ramon Presson: What a woman wants

By Ramon Presson
ramon@ramonpresson.com

In the film “What Women Want” starring Mel Gibson and Helen Hunt, Nick Marshall, a Chicago advertising executive, gets a whole new outlook on life when a fluke accident gives him the ability to read women's minds. When it comes to discerning thoughts, feelings, needs, desires, and expectations men and women often wish they could each other’s mind.

A realistic alternative and a good place to start is with Dr. Willard Harley’s book His Needs, Her Needs. Dr. Harley’s premise is rather simple: Become aware of each other’s emotional needs and learn to meet them. You might think that your spouse really knows your emotional needs and is just too busy or too lazy to respond to them. And there is a good chance you would be mistaken. Actually, most married adults are not even fully aware of their own core emotional needs. Even fewer have been able to articulate them gently and lovingly to their spouse. Here is a principle that I teach about expectations in any relationship: You typically do not know what your expectations are until they are not met. Your hurt or angry response is often the first clue to the presence of an expectation.

My intent here is to summarize the 5 Emotional Needs of Women (this week) and the 5 Emotional Needs of Men (next column) as described by Dr. Harley in greater detail in his book. My hope is to 1) get you thinking, 2) promote sharing and discussion, and 3) facilitate mutual understanding and fulfillment. I recommend the book to more fully enrich your understanding and discussion, but this will get you started. According to Dr. Harley, here are five deep needs that every wife has.

1. Affection: Hold on guys; affection is not just a three-syllable word for sex. Your wife will be glad to define affection for you and she’s hoping you’ll ask. Here are some hints: focused attention, encouraging words, kind deeds, gentle touch, and playfulness.

2. Conversation: We guys approach communication the same way we use the phone — to quickly give and get information. However, for a woman mutual sharing is the bridge to feeling close and feeling loved.

3. Openness and honesty: Being able to trust her man is equated with a deep sense of security. Said one wife to me, “I don’t really know him. I feel like I just keep orbiting him but he never invites me to land.”

4. Financial support: Equated with a woman’s core need for security is the sense that financially we are OK. This cannot be dismissed as being materialistic or a sign of not trusting God. A wife needs to feel that her husband is looking out for her well being and that of the children. Because finances are often such a touchy subject many wives have no idea of the family’s true financial condition and almost no idea of their husband’s financial planning. Research indicates that less than 15 percent of husbands actually have a short-term and long-term financial plan. Men, fire yourself as a financial planner and hire a real one. I did.

5. Family commitment. Because the children are so important to her, every wife wants her husband to be a good father. She desires to see expressions of his genuine care, interest, enjoyment, and involvement with their children. Again, this contributes to that feeling that her home and her life are secure as evidenced by devotion to family.

In my next column I’ll summarize the 5 Emotional Needs of Men. Until then…go ahead and get the conversation started.

Here are some questions to open it up.
• “Is Dr. Harley on target? Do you agree with his list of top five emotional needs?”
• “How would you personally rank order them? What is your 1-5?”
• “If the author asked you to offer a sixth need, what would you say?”

Marriage therapy specialist and author, Ramon Presson is the founder of LifeChange Counseling and the Marriage Center of Franklin. www.LifeChangeCS.org He can be reached at ramon@ramonpresson.com or 319-6450.



 

Posted on: 4/30/2009