Commentary by Ramon Presson: Expect less and get more?
By Ramon Presson, columnist
ramon@ramonpresson.com
No one will ever love you exactly the way you want to be loved all the time. Let me repeat that: NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU EXACTLY THE WAY YOU WANT TO BE LOVED ALL THE TIME.
I’m indebted to my friend and fellow therapist Monte King for imparting this insight to me. This is a liberating truth when you understand it and accept it. This truth has the potential to improve your marriage, reduce your frustration and conflict, increase your satisfaction, and lessen the likelihood of an affair. Let’s unpack the statement.
NO ONE
There is a romantic fantasy that there is someone out there who could know you, understand you, accept and encourage you, appreciate and respect you, desire and please you so perfectly, completely, and constantly that going to heaven would be a letdown. It’s more than Tom Cruise’s character saying to Renee Zellweger, “You complete me.” This delusion says, “Your love fills in all my holes and dents like spackling and fulfills all my hopes and wishes like a genie.” It is the stuff of romance novels and movies, the heart’s longing to be stunned by love. But no lover can/will ever hit homeruns every time they step up to your emotional plate. In fact, they will often strike out.
WILL EVER LOVE YOU EXACTLY THE WAY YOU WANT TO BE LOVED
The closest that another person could come to meeting such demanding expectations would to make themselves your servant or slave. That person would have to totally sacrifice their own needs and desires for yours. Secondly, that person would have to possess the ability to read your mind to know what you wanted in any given moment. Good luck in your search to find such a loving psychic servant solely devoted to you…on this planet.
ALL THE TIME
The reality is that we will often be disappointed by love. We will often be disappointed by a spouse’s actions and reactions. A need is not recognized, a feeling is minimized, a word is too sharp, a silence too long, an apology is not offered, or passion is lost in the weeds of routine. Those occasional disappointments will be ever-present with any partner. And let’s face it: we are not the daily dream-come-true of our spouse. We likely disappoint as much as we are disappointed.
What I’m Not Saying
I’m not saying, “This is as good as it’ll ever get, so get used to it.” Neither am I saying that you should accept mistreatment, neglect, or any form of abuse. I’m not advocating the extinction of expectations but the adoption of reasonable ones. One of the vital requirements for any satisfying and enduring relationship is the ability to negotiate and adjust expectations. This is a major point in Dr. Terri Orbuch’s book “Five Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great.” Orbuch insists that the biggest reason marriages fail is frustration and that the main source of frustration is unrealistic expectations.
Two Results
When I accept that no one will ever love me exactly the way I want to be loved all the time, I am more free to accept and enjoy the love I am given. And a paradox is that while not becoming demanding of my spouse I become more assertive in expressing my needs & desires in the marriage instead of imagining that a marital trade-in or a partner upgrade is the cure for what ails me. When my spouse also accepts the limitations of my love and the flaws of my performance, we are not dooming our marriage to mediocrity. Instead with our more realistic expectations, greater security, and less frustration we are actually more mutually motivated (not out of fear) to love each other well.
Therapist and author Ramon Presson is the founder of The Marriage Center of Franklin. He can be reached at 319-6450 or ramonpresson@gmail.com.
Posted on: 1/28/2010
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