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COMMENTARY BY LUKE BOYD: Some things Im not going to do

You know how it goes. One or two “beautiful people” discover something new or find something old that they were not aware of and proceed to embrace and extol their discovery with more fanaticism than SEC football fans. And whether it involves food, fashion, or frolicking, others who aspire to be “beautiful people” jump on board and ride this fad like a bunch of lemmings on their way to the sea. Now, I’m too old to get in on this “beautiful” category and even if I could, there are some things I’m just not gonna do.

I will not eat food that is non-edible

Honey and I were on a cruise a while back and at dinner one evening the fi sh course was “drum.” I could not imagine anyone eating a drum much less putting it on the menu of a formal dinner. When fishing as a youngster, I was taught that you did not keep drum if you caught one and that you didn’t throw it back into the water. You threw it over in the brush so it didn’t continue to take up space from the good fish. It was coarse and bony. When a woman at the table asked if anyone knew what kind of fish a drum was, I told her that it was a bottom-feeding, trash fish. To my surprise she ordered it. As we were eating, I noticed that she was not attacking her drum with much gusto so I asked her how it was. “Coarse and tasteless,” she replied. I wanted to say, “I told you so.”

Recently, I have seen in the food sections of newspapers and magazines upscale chefs extolling the virtues of sow belly. Yes, you did read that correctly. “Pork belly” is the better term since they come from both male and female hogs but all the write-ups I’ve seen call it sow belly. Sometimes called “salt-meat,” the bellies are salt-cured and make excellent seasoning in Southern-cooked vegetables. When I worked in a grocery store while in high school, people would leave orders to be fi lled. One day I found on a lady’s list this item: “3 pounds of salt meat-no tits please.” With some careful slicing, I managed to fulfi ll her request.

So, this cut of pork is for seasoning, not for eating. With only a faint streak of lean here and there, it’s about 98 percent fat. It can be fried like bacon but there’s not much left except grease and a bit of crackling. However, some “new-age” chefs currently treat it as an exotic food. Just the other day I saw a recipe for rainbow carrots and sow-belly. The picture showed an intricate pile of carrots with a slab of boiled, fat pork draped over the top. Disgusting. And very much of that fat will shut your arteries down to the point that you’ll have to use the Roto-Rooter man to get the blood fl owing again.

I will not get waxed

The best I can understand about this is that some places will pour semi-molten wax onto select areas of your body, allow it to cool and harden, and then pull it off bringing the hair with it. How can this not be painful? What difference does it make if you use tweezers, pliers, fi ngers, or wax? And it seems to me that you can take the pain of one hair and multiply it by a thousand or so with the wax.

A recent article in a newspaper reported that a “new method” wax center had opened. As a promotion, they were offering free wax jobs. Men could get a free ear, nose, or eyebrow wax. Why would you want any of the above? Can you imagine letting someone pour wax up your nose on into your ears? And I know how much it hurts just to pull one hair from the nostril. Can you imagine snatching them all out at once? Just the thought of it brings tears to my eyes. And this new business is obviously discriminatory. Women, in addition to the free eyebrow wax, could get free wax jobs on their underarms and bikini area. Just like all the other wax parlors, they make no mention of waxing a man’s bikini area. Just doesn’t seem right.

Now, I’m not against new ideas and new experiences, but there are some things common sense tells you that you don’t need to try.

Posted on: 4/19/2013


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