How to thwart your childís budding career in politics
By Ramon Presson, Columnist
When my son announced he was running for elected office I took it upon myself as a professional courtesy to write his campaign speech for him. I’m still waiting for a thank you.
Hi, I’m Cameron Presson and I want your vote. As the sophomore class vice president of Summit High School what little of my spare time and waking hours that is not taken up by homework and varsity basketball I pledge to make a difference in the quality of student education and overall student experience at our beloved institution of learning.
If elected I promise to eliminate all courses that lead students to whine, “But I’ll never use this or need to know this in real life.”
I will use my contacts to have the school cafeteria replaced with a Pizza Hut, Sonic, and Chick-fi l-A. As your class vice president I will see to it that Carol Birdsong’s birthday is observed as a national holiday and that just the rumor of snow in Indiana will result in the closing of school in Williamson County. I will work with our principal to see to it that all substitute teachers are naïve and gullible, falling for such student pronouncements as “Yes, the Wednesday quizzes are always open-book.” All teachers will encourage texting in class; and being tardy to class will be affi rmed as being “fashionably late.” School backpacks will have a 95 pound limit and all high schools will be required to house a fully trained chiropractor to realign the vertebrae and to correct the spinal curvature of smaller students.
But there’s more. I promise to reduce the national defi cit by trillions of dollars and balance the federal budget while also cutting taxes. I will increase unemployment benefi ts, raise the minimum wage and create more jobs.
I will reduce our dependence on foreign oil, lower gas prices and provide free college tuition for the children of parents who drive electric cars or mopeds. I will personally see to it that literacy rates and graduation rates increase.
I will single-handedly win the war on drugs and will devote all my time to reducing crime in every community in America. I have a plan to eliminate the threat of terrorism permanently and completely reverse global warming. I will create a health care plan, immigration plan and gun control policy every citizen in America will enthusiastically approve of. I will bring peace to the Middle East and will tame North Korea into licking my hand like a frightened puppy. I will end world hunger and will secure drastic reductions to overpriced popcorn and soda at movie theaters. Thanks to my innovations, air and water pollution will be a thing of the past and racism will be a distant bad memory. I am dedicated to saving Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, Rite-Aid and Kool-Aid.
Under my leadership, we will find a cure for cancer, aids, Alzheimer's, the common cold and acne. I will guide the Nashville Predators far into the playoffs next year and will put the Titans on my back and on the championship track – my first move being to replace owner Bud Adams with someone who understands football and doesn’t dress like a circus clown.
If elected I will move the Williamson County Fair from August to October when it is not 104 degrees and I will prevent it from ever raining during Franklin’s Main Street Festival. To boost national interest in our local history I will lobby to have live ammo used at all Civil War re-enactments.
Let me say in conclusion that despite my previous private and honest thoughts, my desire to be your class vice president is in no way infl uenced by my hunger for recognition or thirst for popularity. Nor is it driven by knowing this accomplishment will look good on college scholarship applications.
My fellow students, as you head back to class, seeking to answer the vital questions concerning the meaning of life by copying your neighbor’s paper, I just want you to remember that a vote for Cameron Presson … is a vote for Cameron Presson.
Author and therapist, Dr. Ramon Presson, is the founder of LifeChange Counseling and the Marriage Center of Franklin, Tenn. www.LifeChangeCS.org firstname.lastname@example.org
Posted on: 5/3/2013