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Commentary: A Conversation on Santas Lap

Santa: You’re a big boy. How old are you, son?
Ramon: Fifty-three…and a half.
Santa: “Ho, Ho, Ho, and you’re heavy too.”
Ramon: Well, you’re not exactly a lightweight yourself, Santa.  Wait, are you really Santa or are you just one of his helpers? 
Santa: “Actually, I’m his unemployed brother-in-law.” 
Ramon: “That’s cool. I always wondered how every mall could have the real Santa…unless the government was using the North Pole as a base for cloning experiments.
Santa: Huh?”
Ramon: Actually, I figured it was marketing hype. The real Santa can’t be in multiple places at the same time. Sorta like that Carnival Kia guy. “Don’t you leave until you see ME!” You’ve seen the commercial, right?
Santa: Yea.
Ramon: So I’m at the Franklin dealership and I say that I can’t leave until I see the Kia guy. And they tell me he’s at the Madison store. So I said I’d wait. They said he’s not coming in today. I knew it was a scam.
Santa: Let’s move on; my legs are going numb. How much do you weigh?  
Ramon: You brought me a juicer two years ago, and I’ve hardly ever used it.
Santa: I can tell. What do you want this year for Christmas?
Ramon: Well, I’ve been thinking….and I’m going to ask for some things that aren’t exactly merchandise.
Santa: You mean services like…. car detailing, pressure washing, pedicure…
Ramon: No, nothing like that. Every time we’ve bought a Groupon for a service item it’s been a bust. 
Santa: I know what you mean. I bought one for a sled wax and THEN I saw the fine print—extra charge beyond 30-mile radius of zip code 37201.  That “great deal” cost me a fortune! Do you know how many thousands of miles the North Pole is from Nashville??!!
Ramon: Are you pulling my leg?  I thought you said…I thought… I mean, are you really from the North Pole?
Santa: Good Lord, you’re gullible. Wanna buy a Kia Sorento?
Ramon: Huh?
Santa: Never mind. Hurry up! I can’t feel my legs. What do you want for Christmas?
Ramon: Okay, I brought a list. (pulls out a folded paper)
Santa: Oh good grief… 
Ramon: #1. I’d like the widening of I-65 south of Franklin to be completed before 2025 and the work on Mack Hatcher to be completed before my driver’s license is taken away by my great grandchildren.
#2.  I would like to require Tennessee’s Education Commissioner Kevin Huffman to leave his perch and attend a 3-day retreat with school superintendents, principals and teachers in order for Huffman to hear what public education is like and what it needs from those who are actually in the classroom.
#3. I want to see Sportsmanship awards given to players, coaches, and teams at season’s end as voted on by district referees and umpires. 
#4. I would like for just one of the county’s 1,792 annual 5-K charity races to be devoted to raising money for my two favorite charities: The Presson Children College Fund and the RP Lexus Convertible Foundation.
#5. I wish to declare March 1 to be Tennessee Walking Horse Retribution Day when soared horses thank their owners and trainers by giving them acid foot massages & ice pick pedicures.
#6. When playing a round of golf just once I want to actually hit two decent shots back-to-back.
#7. I request that a federal law be passed to limit the volume of tacky Duck Dynasty merchandise available at Walmart & LifeWay. 
Santa: You don’t want an Uncle Si Chia Pet? 
Ramon: No, I do not.
Santa: Well, that’s quite a list you have. I think you should’ve asked me for world peace and for bi-partisanship in Washington. You stand a better chance at getting global harmony and political collaboration than any of those things you asked for.
Ramon: Wow, you’re a real encourager. Have you always been this uplifting? What did you do before you got this mall Santa gig?
Santa: You really want to know?
Ramon: I do. 
Santa: Can you keep this to yourself?
Ramon: Sure.
Santa: I was the Carnival Kia guy.
Author and therapist, Dr. Ramon Presson, is the founder of LifeChange Counseling and the Marriage Center of Franklin, TN.  He can be reached at

Posted on: 12/13/2013


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