Campaigning by the light of Walgreens
By William Carter
“How can I better serve my constituents, my community? What can I do to get re-elected?” she asks, gazing wistfully up at the night sky through a window in her house, nestled in the wilds of suburbia not far from the soft, neon glow of a Walgreen’s.
“What can I do in this election year in reciprocation for the well-deserved and continuing love and respect and adoration—the sainthood—the people of Our Town, my ward, bestowed upon me the very day they recognized my superior intellect and complete lack of hubris and, naturally, placed their faith and their futures in me by giving me several more votes than they gave the other guy? Tell me Lord, and I will consider withdrawing my application to run against you at the end of the next millennium. But make no promises about the millennium after that because, really now, who am I to deny the rest of the Cosmos the chance to benefit from this gift of greatness You have given ME…uh, I mean, me.”
Suddenly, her face is framed in the flickering glow of a security light placed outside to scare away vicious and, more-than-likely, liberal, America-hating coyotes and all of the Indiana bats that don’t live at Harlinsdale Park.
A sign! A sign, she realizes, that she should prove herself to be the better candidate by going out under the cover of darkness and collecting all of the campaign signs of her opponent, bringing them home, washing them, then replacing them clean to shine in the light of day as a sign to all that Democracy and Free Elections still reign supreme, at least within the city limits of Our Town.
Giddy, she tightens her robe around her American flag-patterned pajamas and skips out into the night.
(The preceding is a complete and total fabrication. Even I wouldn’t attempt a foray into the mind of one of Our Leaders…it’s too scary to even think about. Besides, it has been scientifically proven that all coyotes are ambivalent when it comes to politics.)
By now, if you read the papers or have any interest at all in what’s going on down at City Hall, you have probably heard that one of Our Leaders was (allegedly) caught red-handed—in the middle of the night—taking down one of the campaigns signs of her opponent. Even better, it was her opponent who (allegedly) caught her.
As hilarious (and as sad) as this may be, I am still appalled, outraged, and disturbed that one of Our Leaders would have to go out herself and (allegedly) steal a sign.
Where the hell were her minions?!?
Am I supposed to believe that in a town that can pay for a study to look for bats that aren’t there, that consistently approves every request to spend money on City services for every festival for the benefit of the Blind Lemur Foundation or any other reason to put up a beer tent on Main Street, and that has a salivating, knee-jerk reaction to throw truckloads of Our dollars away every time they hear the words “consultant” or “development”, can’t fund a staff of lackeys to do the bidding of Our Leaders so they won’t be faced with the embarrassment of being caught (allegedly) reeling around in their pajamas in the middle of the night like drunken frat boys stealing other people’s campaign signs?
Shame on us, Our Town…shame on us.
I don’t know what else to write about this (alleged) episode of blatant disregard for civil behavior by someone who, apparently, had what it takes at one time to con, I mean, convince a bunch of people into believing she deserves the public’s trust except to say that what she (allegedly) did was really…really…stupid.
And while we, all too often, witness Our Leaders displaying remarkable deficiencies in common sense and accountability, this (alleged) stunt deserves to have a Hall of Fame built around it.
I have to go now.
I’m making a “Will Work for Food” sign.
Chances are I’ll be needing it later.
William Carter is a longtime Franklin city employee and published author. He may be contacted at email@example.com.
Posted on: 10/17/2013